There are moments in life when we touch it...that golden open space between where we are and where we are going and we finally experience ourselves as we are: expansive, free and limitless. If only we could stay right there; unstoppable.
But for most of us, maybe all of us, we can't stay there long enough to fly into our full potential...only long enough to see it for a moment and then it's gone again. It's most likely hiding behind mountains of hindering belief that has been building up like dental plaque in the recesses of our fragile mind.
As I step closer to what I've always known about myself and maybe more importantly, embracing it as acceptable truth...the hindering nonsense is breaking down the wall in front of me. The truth is...I've been afraid of separation. Afraid, if I step forward into the desired expansion that could be my life...I might stand the chance of being separated from people and situations that I currently love and enjoy. Don't get me wrong...my loving family and friends are the best and we will always be there for each other. I'm talking about a different kind of separation; you know; the place where people can no longer relate to you because you've gone where they can't go emotionally, spiritually, intuitively. Where does that come from? Well, experience really.
As a child; and the oldest sibling, cousin and grandchild: a singular position, I was often alone while others bonded based on age, placement in the family and gender. When I was a very young woman, envy and jealousy turned others away from me when I was awarded a title I worked hard to obtain. During the 'getting there' I learned that the competition was always against myself; not others. I knew throughout, that I was challenging my own process; my abilities to grow, my own intellectual improvement and my capacity to expand as a person. I learned that others did not understand this process and were more concerned about competing against each other. Many times, and to my puzzlement, my support of others was not reciprocated. In the beginning of my career, I stood out among my professional peers and often found myself 'toning myself back' to fit in; something today I realize was part of my need to be a part of something bigger and more meaningful than myself. Today, I still hold back, when memories of past experiences drift into consciousness but I try to quickly correct myself.
As someone who loves deeply, but who can be very different from others emotionally, energetically and intuitively, profound loneliness can be a very solid companion making 'fear of separation' a strong motivator in keeping yourself 'on the same page' as everyone else instead of stepping out as our truthful self. But...this can lead to years or sometimes a lifetime of holding back the truth of who we are at soul level.
Portraying who I truly am may mean some people may not be comfortable with me and I am comfortable with that...finally. I have never been comfortable with the status quo or following the crowd. I've beat to my own drum my whole life and I've encouraged my kids to do the same. But I have to admit there were times in my life when finding my drum was more difficult than I wanted it to be. I got lost a time or two on the road of 'perfection and pleasing'...a road that often leads to feeling like you are living someone else's life rather than your own. I paid a very high price (sudden onset illness and years of intense recovery) trying to be everyone else's version of me...but make no mistake...it was my confusion; it was always okay to be me...it just took me some time to come around to feeling safe enough to do just that. The best part about truly being me; the bold, wise, 'out there' me is that I attract others who either are as bold, wise, and 'out there' as I am or they want to be. It's a win-win.
Today in my capacity as coach, teacher, facilitator, and author it has become easier to slide into who I really am without hesitation but as 2017 opens up I am ready to climb higher, work harder and allow in what I have always been ready for...facing my full potential head on.
This will mean change and lots of it. It will mean re-prioritizing, refocusing and realigning myself with new goals but I've been here before. It will mean being honest about what has held me back so far and what is no longer serving me. It will mean new people, new places, new ideas and new opportunities. It will mean saying good-bye to some and welcoming others. It will mean reaching and serving more people on a whole new level. It will mean being myself without apology. It's all part and parcel. So many new things to learn and then offer; cycle of wisdom.
In my lifetime, I have had the joy of experiencing some pretty wonderful achievements, both professional and personal, just because I allowed myself to try without fear. I am so ready to discover what it might mean if I put myself out there one more time. It's time to go there again. You coming?